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The ever popular “Quarter life crisis”

I read about the quarter life crisis for the first time several years ago when I was trying to figure out if I was going through some sort of “mid life crisis” early. I found out about the concept that tends to start somewhere around your 25th year.

From the time I was young, I had things mapped out in my head-
By 25 I wanted
1. A college degree
2. To be started enough in a career I actually loved to be financially fully stable
3. A husband
4. To be finished with pregnancy and have 2 kids
5. Be a home owner and not renter

Our reality at 25
1. I had a beauty school license
2. I was a stay at home mom by necessity, we took our daughter out in public once after she came home from the NICU and ended up with a cold and in the PICU, so we couldn’t put her in care for a while
3. I did get married at 22, so I met that goal
4. I was pregnant with baby 2 when I was 25 but we lost her so we only had 1 living child. I was trying to come to terms with my older daughter being an only child.
5. We still rented the first home we moved into when we first got married.

Hell, even at 30 I’ve been unable to meet all those. I still can’t find a major I want to study but I am working on going back to school hopefully this year and we’re hoping to be able to get the first time home buyer’s loan this year, but

My reality at 31
1. Still can’t determine a degree I want to study and go in debt for- so I’m just not sure a 4 year is right for me. I’m a licensed skin therapist and looking at an LPN program (waiting for the test to get in to the program in March and have been reading through study material). I’m looking at several other programs as well at a couple other schools
2. I just left a retail part time job and before that, I worked in a salon. Both were stable- like, I wouldn’t lose the jobs but the paychecks weren’t stable. I’m currently looking around at job openings and writing/doing Etsy full time until I get to my next step
3. I’m still married, we’re going on 9 years so that never changed.
4. At 27, I had my last child- this pregnancy was healthy and she’s now a very hyper and healthy 3 year old.
5. We still rent and still live where we moved when we first got together. We’re just hoping next year we’ll be ready to buy.

I’m starting to get out of my quarter life crisis, (funny when you know a name). I’m still a Type A personality with no career to throw myself into and I’m still a workaholic type with no work to throw myself into- which is most of the reason I have this site, my Etsy and my writing. I have to have goals and something to focus that particular energy on- I also have gotten to the point over the years I can’t stand working under other peoples’ rules.

I’m also starting to notice that there is nothing I really want to go into major debt for that will promise a pay out. (4 year college)

I’m hoping I won’t be as stagnant in my 30s as i was in my 20s. I’m still completely unclear to the path I want to take but I am starting to accept that I’m not “young” anymore, but not old either. I guess I’m in the middle age- not middle aged but not young adult. I know I could easily pursue a higher degree and I could easily go back multiple times but for what? To go into debt and end up with lower earning potential? To work for someone else? Live by someone else’s rules?

 

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I mentioned last month I was planning a newsletter

I’m going to put the sign up on here this month and it’s going to start next month.

It’s going to be about Astrology, numerology, tarot and other divination methods as well as any Wiccan/Pagan holidays coming up and moon phases

It will be just one time a month, I’m hoping to get the sign up form up soon.

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I’m thinking about New Years already. I’m not one to really make resolutions, but I do start things on the first of the month to easily track things.

Years ago, I did a tarot reading for myself for my year and the reading told me what month I was going to meet my husband, the month we got married and when my daughter was conceived. Since then, I do a yearly reading for myself and now I offer it in person or online.

I also offer it here.

I have some plans for the website, an ebook I’m hoping to publish and some major plans for Bethcessories. (originally here)

This week, I’m barely able to think- my work has me out daily until Christmas Eve, so I got the Christmas cookies baked today and I’m going to go ahead and say

Merry Christmas!!

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I’m getting ready to do a full series on attraction

I read an article a while back about being the ugly friend. I’m tired of hearing “ugly” being used as an insult since attractiveness means different things to different people and no one is universally ugly- or attractive. Even the most attractive woman in the world wouldn’t be seen as attractive to every single person on this planet- but even the ugliest wouldn’t be ugly to others.

There are many layers to what makes someone attractive and so much more than I could write in one post so I’m doing an introduction to the series. I’m not sure how many I will post in this series, I have 2 drafts started, a few questions asked on my facebook and a few questions I’ll be writing as an interview and asking questions so at least 5.

 

If anyone has any questions about the series- feel free to comment.

I do not believe in the concept of true attractiveness. I don’t believe in universal nor do I believe in being jealous (I do think there are people jealous- but I don’t believe in being jealous- I consider any feelings of jealousy to be showing me where I need to self reflect and try to improve myself

I never had destructive jealousy when I was younger, but this series is going to be written more directed at a younger age- early 20s and single- touching on getting older and aging since we all know a lot of physical attractiveness tends to fade over the years- especially when upkeep gets put on the back burner.

I do not consider myself to be unattractive nor attractive- but average look wise- same as the majority of the population as a whole and when I speak on attractive, I typically mean conventional.

My first will be listing the benefits I could find about being the so called “ugly friend”

Others will be a poll I’m currently taking about what people find more attractive- intelligence, personality or physical appearance

Heavily researched articles about “beauty privilege” and “ugly discrimination”as well as the benefits to being seen as conventionally attractive.

and in the end, I’ll end it with open questions and poll about what makes people attractive to other people. (asking random people)

If anyone has any questions about any of these or have any questions they would like to see answered, feel free to comment the questions.

 

 

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Is Drinking Really Worth It?

I read so much about parents and drinking, all the posts and memes about wine and all the jokes about how bad mommy needs a drink. 

It had me thinking about it a while back, and while I really didn’t mean to write this, I’m writing it now. People who knew me pre-kids and pre-marriage and know me now have seen a huge change. Before I met my (pretty much, anti alcohol) husband, I was an alcoholic. My day consisted of- gym, walk to work, walk to bar before going home. That was my daily life. I was functional- but not. I was able to hold a job but there were times I would spend nearly my whole bank account and barely remember the last night. One St Patrick’s Day, I spent 12 hours at the bar. They knew me by name and it was a time I felt like I fit in.

Then, my husband and I met and I cut down massively- he was 19 and I was 22 when we met so I couldn’t go to the bar anymore (I could, but I wanted to go out with him). I never was a fan of drinking solo, so I quit. I got pregnant right after we got married and attended my very first party without drinking- I still had fun, even though he and I were the only ones not drinking. As I got a little older and more established as a new mommy, alcohol was losing it’s appeal completely. Since having kids, I have only drank a handful of times and after my last time, I won’t again.

I started looking for nonreligious places to go to meet other adults with kids but no alcohol and it’s tough. It feels like drinking is the most symbolic part of being an adult. I know I’m not the only one who feels that alcohol isn’t as sweet and innocent a joke as people seem to think.

While looking up the “mommy needs a drink” joke, I found this from the site Salon talking about growing up living that “joke.”

Coming from the experience of “I really need a drink” (in order to properly function), I don’t consider that joke to be funny. I do have days I don’t get the chance to sit until bedtime, I have bad days- but nothing so bad it would put me back in the bottle.

In my failed attempts to locate family friendly events where I could possibly meet other local parents, I attended a family friendly charity event about a year ago. They had two kid booths but in the food booths the smell of alcohol was so strong I could barely smell the food. We had a hard time hearing each other or our kids over the sound of the adults getting louder and more obnoxious that we left after the girls ate. By the time we left, we were walking past groups of grown women who were loud, obnoxious and flirting with men who were on the same level of intoxication. This was in a rich part of town with men and women who put on a classier show in other places. I was honestly surprised to see so many people acting like teenagers.

Last year we went on vacation with my mom and dad. My husband and I went to the hotel restaurant to grab desert. There was a family and the dad was obnoxiously drunk already, with two young kids in his party.

When I was a child, I was taken home after people started drinking. I would notice the adults getting louder and crazier but we always left. Both my parents were totally against alcohol so I’m sure the way I was raised may have something to do with it, but should parents get drunk around their kids? Sure, drinking a few sips or drinking a bottle with a meal isn’t too bad, but should parents really let their young kids see them actually get intoxicated?

There have been studies about parental drinking around kids, even moderate drinking- and seeing parents drunk or tipsy can upset children. There has also been findings that people who watched their parents drinking growing up tend to be more likely to drink as teens and associate with younger drinkers.***

Being taken away didn’t keep me from trying it at 18 or going to a bar regularly at 22, but I also quit drinking quickly. I was a daily drinker from 21 until shortly after my 22nd birthday, when I started to put it down. This past June, on vacation, I got a Margarita but it took me 30 minutes to regulate my breathing and I felt my throat closing, so I am done now. Before that, it had been over a year and before that, another year. I still can go out with friends and have fun. My husband and I have gone to a few local shows and it is more enjoyable without getting dizzy and agitated. Same with going to parties, but I’m still at a stage where I’m more interested in kid’s parties and kid friendly events I can take the whole family.

My kids have never seen me drunk nor intoxicated and I know they never will, I’m saying now I have an alcohol allergy, if pressed, I’ll also admit to being in recovery- it may have been a short time, but at that time my life revolved around alcohol and I never want the girls to go through it.

Even though you can’t prevent your kids from experimenting or giving in to peer pressure, you can educate them on the dangers of alcohol. You can tell them it’s addictive and the problems it causes. It impairs your ability to think right- it causes accidents. In fact, in the US alone, 10,497 people were killed in 2016 due to intoxicated drivers- 28% of accidents that year (according to the CDC). It also harms your liver, kidneys and can lead to liver failure if you drink too much.

Getting drunk itself is a result of alcohol being a poison and the puking and passing out is actually a warning sign of drinking too much- potential alcohol poisoning. Alcohol poisoning can easily lead to death.

Just because people say red wine and moderate drinking (1 glass for a woman, 2 for a man) have health benefits, lifestyle may play a bigger role than the alcohol. There haven’t been enough long term studies to fully prove red wine is as healthy as they say it is. Just like beer, liquor and other forms of alcohol, wine is also a depressant. It slows your body down and can lead to so much more pain than enjoyment. Is it really worth the risk?

 

 

 

 

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This coming June I’m taking my first ever paid vacation from work

Since I’ll have a full week off, I have decided that the month of June I am going to try to do one post a day and come up with either 1 post or one article to submit to a magazine or blog every day through June.

Coming up with ideas shouldn’t be too difficult.

I have 11 more days in this month and I’ll be brainstorming topics (privately) and I’ll try to come up with 30 varied posts.

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How I met my husband (almost 8 years ago)

I was out with two of my friends one night doing Karaoke at a local bar. Two of us went outside and were walking down the street. I saw an attractive guy with long hair walking down the street who was wearing an As I Lay Dying jacket. I had recently bought one of their CDs and found I really liked their music (I used to buy music based on cover design and found a lot of bands I liked from doing that). I had a decent buzz going on so I yelled across the street “Hey! I like your jacket” and my friend noticed he didn’t turn around- she yelled “Hey, dude or chick- she likes your jacket”  and we walked on.

The guy saw me (I didn’t see, he later told me) and turned around, walked back to the bar I was in to “see if he could bum a cigarette.”

While I was back in the bar, I glanced out and saw him outside so I excused myself and went outside. We started talking and hit it off immediately. He was only 19 so he couldn’t go in the bar (I had just turned 22) so I stayed outside talking to him.

My friends and I left and we invited him to go out and get a hotel with us and he accepted. I figured it would be a one night stand but I gave him my number (didn’t give my number to guys back then) and he called me. We talked on Mysoace all night the next night and he walked from his house to my work the day after that. We both were living with our parents (I was still detoxing and working on getting clean and he was just a teen) but we wanted to be together so we started staying with friends for a while.

One night, we were discussing the concept of marriage and he proposed- it was only 2 1/2 weeks in but something told me to say yes. We were accused of mocking marriage and all that but my parents accepted it, at least. 2 1/2 months later, we were staying with his parents while he was trying to find a job and we were looking for a decent apartment. We decided to elope shortly after so we headed to the courthouse with a friend and applied. We told his parents (who tried to talk him out of it) and my parents who just wanted to be there to see their only daughter get married so we arranged the time with them and they met us at the courthouse. His friend’s car broke down on the way so we had to walk (in the August heat) and ended up being an hour late. We lucked out that my parents were witnesses they were able to stall the judge so we didn’t lose our place.

We were married on August 5, 2010. About a month later, we finally found an apartment and were able to quit staying with people and move in to the house we lived in until last year.

Our story may make me look bad but I’m 30 now, I quit drinking (when we met I did have a drinking problem) and he was never a drinker- it helped that he couldn’t join me at bars for 1 year. I actually haven’t been to a bar outside of watching a couple concerts since that night.

Like I said, I’m 30 now, he’s 27, we’ve had 3 kids, we both have been back to school and neither of us are impulsive like we used to be. We have outlasted a lot of couples we know who actually waited years to marry. My husband and I both were young and impulsive but we both were raised by couples who were on their first marriages, had been married for a long time and we both went into the marriage knowing it wasn’t easy. We knew it was the most serious commitment, you can’t just walk away and it would take a lot of work.

It wasn’t, isn’t and won’t be an easy ride- but so far, eight years in, neither of us have any regrets.We have been through so much together and it has made us stronger.

I always held the belief that when you meet someone, you will know. It won’t take years to decide and if you have been together years with no interest in marrying that one person (unless you’re just not interested in marriage), there is a reason something is holding you back. I don’t believe people should rush in (it worked for us, but doesn’t work for everyone) but I also don’t believe you should date for years then just get married “just because” or because it “is the right thing to do.” Love is an emotion and shouldn’t be something you have to justify (I also am one of the people who will tell a woman who’s on the fence about having kids to wait since it’s a lifetime commitment)

If it doesn’t feel right, don’t do it. Love isn’t’ logical and if you’re looking for logic it will fail. I personally only believe in divorce in cases of the three As- abuse, addiction and adultery. Same with my husband. There are things that should be discussed beforehand- religious beliefs, kids, how many kids you want, how soon you want them, jobs/goals for career or education and any other major life choices.

Personally, I love that we got married young. I spend almost all of my 20s with him and in 2 years, he will have spent all of his 20s with me. We both have changed a lot and it’s like we’ve grown together, but as we’ve gotten older we’ve gown more similar so that has helped us. We also didn’t go in thinking it would all be fun and games, or temporary. Neither of us are traditional, but we hold those traditional beliefs about marriage.

 

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You Know You’re A Parent When…

You and your husband are the only ones awake and you announce you need to potty.

You put the kids in bed hours ago but Disney/Nick Jr is still playing in the background

You have rules such as- 1. No licking the cat. 2. No licking the door. 3. No licking your sister and 4. No throwing objects at the cat.

You know the pain of stepping on a Shopkinz toy (hurts worse than a Lego)

You have to buy a new vacuum almost annually due to overuse.

Your shampooer is constantly out and running.

You have random stains in your mattress, mattress pad, couch and chairs- you’re not sure what they are but you know it’s food.

 

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Day 1- 21 Days of Happiness Challenge

Your task today is to start a gratitude journal.

You don’t have to have an actual, physical journal to start (although we all love a good excuse to pick up a fresh, empty notebook, don’t we?). It can be public or private, typed up or written down. You can use sticky notes and create an entire wall of things to be thankful for, or even share your thoughts on Facebook and encourage your friends to join you in the Happiness Challenge.

However you choose to participate, begin by writing down three things you are thankful for. 

  • Be as specific as possible,
  • don’t list the same thing twice,
  • and try not to take yourself too seriously!

And of course, if you enjoy and find benefit in this or any task from the challenge, consider choosing that as an ongoing habit in your life.

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1. I am thankful for my two beautiful daughters and my angel. I’m thankful I get to wake up to those two cute little faces and that I’m getting to watch them go from babies through their lives to developing their own interests, talents and personalities.

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2. I couldn’t be half the person I am right now without my husband. When I’m feeling too tired or am in too much pain, he’s pulling my half of the weight- and not complaining (much lol)

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3. My parents- They also help so much, especially while I’m getting stabilized on my thyroid meds and am working towards gaining as much of my health back. My mom is also a great person to go to when I need a reality check and she reads up on so much and helps. She also is taken seriously by specialists and teachers- which I’m still, I guess, too young looking to have happen. If I take her with me, they take me more seriously and will talk more than when I’m alone.

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Things I have learned over the years after three pregnancies

My daughter is seven years old. Just started second grade and these past seven years have changed me so much.

I never thought I’d be associated with stuff like Pinterest nor Starbucks lol

I never thought I’d be like my mom. She was an absolutely great mom and I’m so glad she adopted me (My biological is also great) but I never could see myself being the “uptight” type- now I am seen as uptight and Matt and I are treated like the parents around people our own age.

I’ve learned about kids, life, marriage and everything else and also have promised myself I’ll not talk about my pregnancy experience with newly expectant first time moms. I am the worst case scenario in 2 of three pregnancies.

Sitting down, I came up with a list of some of the things I have learned over the past (technically 8) years and three pregnancies-

1. Never use a book like “what to expect” as your pregnancy or baby-rearing bible. Not every baby will hit all the same milestones at the same time and nowhere near all babies are by the book.

2. If people are telling you to go to labor and delivery because your body swelling up is not normal, listen. Feet and legs swell, put your feet up and consult your doctor if the swelling gets too bad, however always to straight to the doctor or ER if your hands and face puff out- seriously, it’s a sign of pre-eclampsia and should not be ignored.

3. “It happens to other people, it doesn’t happen to me” is not a good way to look at things. It can push you into denial and lead to symptoms being ignored, that’s how I felt when it came to both pregnancy complications and special needs kids and it didn’t help either situation.

4. Always make time for yourself. Daily. Having just a few minutes to relax daily helps you find your center and ground yourself. I always use the time after the kids go to bed to fully relax.

5. You don’t have to listen to all the advice random people (strangers or friends or blogs) give you but do listen to your doctor. Just because someone did something while pregnant, doesn’t mean it will help or will be safe so it’s always best to go by your doctor’s guidance.

6. Always make time for yourself- you will need it and your kids will need you to have it

7. Your spouse needs to be 100% with you- equal partners. It doesn’t matter if one or both of y’all are employed. They need you on their team and vice versa.

8. Don’t feel guilty for putting yourself first once in a while- you need to come first at some time.

9. It’s ok to allow the kids to play alone. You don’t have to be up in their face 24/7.

10. Making them get themselves to sleep helps them learn to self soothe- otherwise you may end up with a 7 year old who clings to you in your sleep.

11. There is no such thing as toddler proof- you may think it’s secure, but it’s not. It may be adult proof, but if it exists, a toddler can easily open it.

12. You are NOT raising kids- you’re raising future adults

13. I should not be trying to come up with lists when I’m tired and just worked a long day.

 

There’s so much more, but that will be in a later post.