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When I lost you

When I lost you, not only did I lose getting to know a person. I also lost hopes and dreams for the future. I lost everything I drempt you would be and every potential achievement you could have made. I lost a tiny hand in my hand and a chance to be your mommy.

I lost seeing you smile, hearing you talk, hearing you laugh and picking you up when you fell.

I always wonder if you would be more like your daddy or me. Would you look like a mix of both of us or favor one more?

Would you be an artist, athlete or studious? Would you prefer cats or dogs?

Would you be girly like your sisters or the tomboy of the group? What would your favorite flower be? Favorite color?

What would your personality be like? Would you love or hate school?

When I lost you I have so many questions I will never know the answer to and I will never get to experience.

When you died, so did those hopes and dreams for the future. Your future. My future as your mommy and our future as a family

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I’ve been cheated

I’ve been cheated out of knowing a little person.

Cheated out of seeing that little person grow.

Cheated out of watching that first step, hearing those first words or the first “mommy.”

I never got to celebrate those milestones, first birthday or any birthday.

Never got to dry her eyes after she cried.

Never got to look into those eyes and hear “I love you mommy”

Never will get to teach her how to drive.

Never will see her first day at school.

Never will comfort her first heartbreak.

Never will send her off to college.

No mothers day gifts from her.

Or cards.

Or hugs.

Will this ever get easier? It’s been five years without her. Will this pain go away? We would be signing her up for kindergarten. She would be in preschool. This year is hitting me harder. It’s a milestone and I’m still not ready to say goodbye.

I’m a member of a club. I never signed up for. I want out. I want my membership revoked. I want my cassie back. I want this family whole.