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I did notice a change pre and post 25- alcoholism/alcohol tolerance

I read a little while back that a woman’s brain is fully developed in her 25th year (for men, it’s 30)

It’s had me thinking and since I’m now half a decade away from 25, (I’m 31) I have been able to see how true that really was for me.

I have an impulse control disorder, it’s commonly joked about but it is real and makes impulses hard to control.

I have been thinking back and trying to remember years (typially by my kids’ ages) and I did realize that I may not have woken up on my 25th birthday different, but that year did make a huge difference.

Pre-25 Me

When I was 21, I drank. A lot. Like, so much that people were trying to get me into rehab for it (I actually did try but the cost and waiting time made it unfeasible). I would blow my whole paycheck at the bar after work. I got tired of going through my check so fast, I started giving myself an allowance (the rest would go in savings) and I’d only spend a set amount a night. It worked but there were some nights random people would offer to buy drinks (one guy hit the jackpot on a game 3 times and bought 3 rounds for the entire bar- that was the night I was trying to only drink 1-2 beers a night)

At 22, I met my husband and he was too young to go with me, so I very slowly quit drinking. He was never a drinker either so it wasn’t fun to drink without the man I was dating.

At 23, I had my first child. It was extremely easy for me to go the pregnancy with no alcohol.

It was also easy to go her NICU stay without it but I did pick some other habits up. I started overeating.

I also picked up loom knitting to kill the stress and it was very therapeutic.

While she was in NICU out of state, I went home for a weekend to study and take my state board exam for school. While I was home, we went to a game convention and the after party.

I met one of the workers and his wife and I ended up getting drunk. Instead of how I usually was, I cried most of the night about being there instead of at the NICU, even though the nurses themselves told me I needed a break and I made sure they would have a volunteer to go in and cuddle her a bit.

I didnt drink again after that for a year, when I drank with some neighbors, then again a year after that with neighbors. Both times the pain wasn’t worth the alcohol. I had to get drunk to avoid the pain so I slacked even further off.

Post-25 Me

By the time I was 25, I had one living 2 year old and 25 was the age we lost miss Cassie. It was also the literal year I found the side effects from drinking weren’t worth the taste. I got to a point I hated how I acted drunk, but I couldn’t even drink one small glass without getting a buzz. By that time, I was drinking maybe 2-3 times a year.

After 25, I started to notice how bad my joints would ache after taking just 1 sip.

I started just saying yes to the occasional offer when I was around someone else drinking so by the age of 26-27 I was down to maybe 1 a year.

This past summer, we took both kids to the beach with my parents. My mom and the kids were asleep and my husband and I went to a small restaurant at the hotel.

I was strictly on the gluten free diet by this time, so I researched and the margarita seemed safe. It had been over a year since I had drank last and I ordered a small margarita.

I had such a bad immediate reaction I couldn’t finish it. My stomach bloated up and I couldn’t breathe, I started to feel like my throat was closing up and it took me 30 minutes of walking around the beach to regulate my breathing. That night scared me to the point I’m now saying I’m allergic, although there is probably something I cant tolerate in most alcoholic drinks. I’ve been unable to drink most drinks for years anyways.

I say sometimes that my family has saved me from alcoholism and I do mean it but age is also playing a factor. When I was 21, I didnt get the severe pain in my joints I do now with one sip. I didn’t feel nothing but guilt for drinking and I didnt bloat up.

Either way, I prefer staying sober to being blacked out and passed out.

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My birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks.

I was asked what I wanted.

All I could tell them was I wanted something I can play with, not a need and not clothing or something to use for my business. I want something just for me.

Now, I am at a total loss- no clue what I want.

My brain is going full speed but unless it’s like a book or something, I no longer can think of hobbies.

It’s kind of sad that at 31, I have no hobbies because I spend all my time working or writing and it’s making me realize how little I really have.

I work 24/7 unless I’m sleeping or running after my kids, I have lost damn near all my social skills and quit talking to my friends. My #1 identity is D####’s mommy” or “M#######’s mommy” and it feels like even with me taking time for myself and strongly believing in not losing yourself, I have lost myself.

Before kids, I was a gym rat. I had gym memberships and was actually taking a boxing class. Music was my life. I played basketball and walked all the time.

I’m still interested and keep promising myself I’ll start walking again but never get an opportunity.

Now that I’m out of the pregnancy and young baby stage, it is 100% time to get back to my center and find what works.

Its kind of funny when an innocent question like “what would you like for your birthday?” triggers such a mental storm, but it’s not a good thing when you’ve been lost for 8 years.

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I have decided that on January 1st

I’m finally going to commit to the 30-60 day Whole30 diet.

As of right now, even sticking with strict gluten free, I’m right back to feeling sick all the time. I’m not sure if it’s dairy or if there is something else I’m now sensitive to but the Whole30 is the best way to find out from what I can see.

I have failed multiple times, but I’m sure I should be able to commit to 1 simple month of whole foods. I have checked out so many recipes, it will just involve making my own birthday cake since my birthday is in January.

 

I just signed up for a holiday HIIT 3 days a week program. HIIT workouts have always been my favorites and with some really busy weeks, the 15-17 minute workouts should be feasible. My two year old has enjoyed joining me doing the Stronger workouts (livestrong website) and she’ll love joining these as well. I’m not trying to set any kind of New Years Resolutions, those are never kept, I just prefer starting things on the first of the month- it’s easier to track progress.

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I’m 2 months from turning 31

And while I don’t feel different, per se, I am looking at trying to look more “grown up.” I do not agree with the “how to dress in your 30s,” or “clothing to give up in your 30s” articles I have read, I am trying to lean more towards looking more put together and less sloppy. Most of what I wear are baggier shirts, mostly along the lines of shirts from events I have attended, charities, businesses or bands I listen to.

I don’t want to give up my band tees and I like advertising the charities and businesses but I feel sloppy. I do know there is truth to feeling better and more put together when you dress nicer.

30 wasn’t as bad as my mind made it feel but it did push me to reevaulate my life a bit, since I’m no longer college age.

It’s had me decide I’m wanting to start taking more small trips in state and out, write more and stop procrastinating since I missed my goal of having the one book I’m working on published by 30. I’m not sure what I was thinking, I remember turning 20 from 19- was no different, same with the “magical” age of 21.

I guess it just feels weird going from one bracket to the next- but feeling no different. I found some old pictures of what I looked like when my husband and I met and I look almost exctly the same- barely aged between now and 8-10 years ago.