She told me to deal with my anxiety and my OCD obsessions and worries/fears and phobias, I needed to step out of my comfort zone. I needed to start doing what makes me uncomfortable so I could see it isn’t as bad as my half black and white and half grey mind told me it was. That way, I could see the grey that I know is there instead of thinking in extremes. I consider OCD a black and white disorder where you know life is grey, you know there is no black and white but your brain tries to make you think it is.
I have read tons of blogs, sites, magazine articles and books about OCD. I have read about mindfulness, meditation and I try to practice mindfulness meditation daily. I also am learning how to talk myself down from the anxiety induced thoughts- embrace them then disprove them.
One of my biggest anxieties is how I look- the weight I have gained over the years and the difficulties I have with finding good workouts and the perfect diet. At my biggest, I was a size 20 and 220lbs. I am now down to 170 and a size 14/16 and am working on trying to get to an 8/10 by the end of the year. I’m finally out of plus size and 20lbs away from my goal of 150 (I was muscular when I was a teen- heavier but not too bad overweight. I was in shape and everyone thought I was about 20lbs lighter because I had more muscle). At my smallest, I was a size 5 and 125lbs- what my BMI said was ideal, but told I needed to eat (concerned friends- NOT people trolling me) and was told how sick I looked- I achieved my ideal BMI for 5’5” BUT lost a lot of muscle and couldn’t hold the weight because I barely ate at that particular time.
I have promised myself I will never look at 200lbs again. It adds about 10 years to my appearance and unlike some women, I cannot pull off being overweight. I look messy and much older.
Thanks to the insecurities and issues I have with my weight, I hardly have any pictures of myself without something covering my face partially or blocking me somehow. I hide behind my kids and I hide behind other things. I do not use beauty filters and when I post videos, I will not edit them- that way it’ll push me even more. I have been doing this for a while. I am able to hand select pictures and I don’t have to use picttures at all but yesterday, I started Vlogging on Youtube. I had always thought it sounded fun, but mixing talking in front of a camera (my speech impediment prevents me from even using the intercom at work) and showing my face, it pushed me past my comfort zone. I have posted one as an introduction to who I am and the other is about growing up and living now with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
I was made fun of a lot growing up because of how I talk. I have a speech impediment and had to go through years of speech therapy. Now, it sounds like more of an accent than an impediment and I do not sound like a West Virginian.
I also still get a lot of comments about it now. A lot of times it’s “I love your accent” but it can never sound sincere to me. It reminds me of being mocked all through school. I have had people refer to me as “sexy exotic” (cue laughing after saying it). I also had a kid say he liked me “except the way I walked and talked” back in middle school. I still get asked on a weekly basis where I’m from and almost disbelieved when I say I’m from here. I try to not let it get to me but after being laughed at and mocked, it’s hard. For the first time, I actually have used an intercom system in the store I work at and I did my first video. I know I’ll never get fully over the anxiety of being heard aloud, but maybe as I get older I’ll be able to handle it better.