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My birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks.

I was asked what I wanted.

All I could tell them was I wanted something I can play with, not a need and not clothing or something to use for my business. I want something just for me.

Now, I am at a total loss- no clue what I want.

My brain is going full speed but unless it’s like a book or something, I no longer can think of hobbies.

It’s kind of sad that at 31, I have no hobbies because I spend all my time working or writing and it’s making me realize how little I really have.

I work 24/7 unless I’m sleeping or running after my kids, I have lost damn near all my social skills and quit talking to my friends. My #1 identity is D####’s mommy” or “M#######’s mommy” and it feels like even with me taking time for myself and strongly believing in not losing yourself, I have lost myself.

Before kids, I was a gym rat. I had gym memberships and was actually taking a boxing class. Music was my life. I played basketball and walked all the time.

I’m still interested and keep promising myself I’ll start walking again but never get an opportunity.

Now that I’m out of the pregnancy and young baby stage, it is 100% time to get back to my center and find what works.

Its kind of funny when an innocent question like “what would you like for your birthday?” triggers such a mental storm, but it’s not a good thing when you’ve been lost for 8 years.

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I’m 2 months from turning 31

And while I don’t feel different, per se, I am looking at trying to look more “grown up.” I do not agree with the “how to dress in your 30s,” or “clothing to give up in your 30s” articles I have read, I am trying to lean more towards looking more put together and less sloppy. Most of what I wear are baggier shirts, mostly along the lines of shirts from events I have attended, charities, businesses or bands I listen to.

I don’t want to give up my band tees and I like advertising the charities and businesses but I feel sloppy. I do know there is truth to feeling better and more put together when you dress nicer.

30 wasn’t as bad as my mind made it feel but it did push me to reevaulate my life a bit, since I’m no longer college age.

It’s had me decide I’m wanting to start taking more small trips in state and out, write more and stop procrastinating since I missed my goal of having the one book I’m working on published by 30. I’m not sure what I was thinking, I remember turning 20 from 19- was no different, same with the “magical” age of 21.

I guess it just feels weird going from one bracket to the next- but feeling no different. I found some old pictures of what I looked like when my husband and I met and I look almost exctly the same- barely aged between now and 8-10 years ago.