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One week left in 2017

I do resolutions yearly. It’s more of a list of things I’m wanting to do as a challenge to see if I can do them. I love trying to challenge myself on a daily basis. At work, I give myself private challenges, same with home. At times I’ll secretly compete with coworkers or at home I’ll even secretly compete with my husband. It all depends on what I am doing and how hard it seems to be- if it’s hard, a fun challenge makes it easier to do. I figure if I make larger lists, I’ll be more likely to find a way to succeed with some instead of failing at all. This list is what I’m hoping or needing to change over the course of the next year or so. I do know from experience that making things public does help me stick to it- more accountability.

Most of the time, I do fail to complete the resolutions but it’s still fun sitting down at the end of the year and making a list. I have a few I’m determined to actually do this year.

1. Reprogram my mind to think more positive. I am a realist so at times I come across as pessimistic but I also come across as highly optimistic at other times. I have been working through the past year on trying to distance myself from people in my life (in all areas) who complain a lot or just have a more negative vibe and it’s been working a bit.

2. Think less about the diagnosis’s and medical issues. I’m still in the coming to terms with not being fully healthy stage so it plagues my mind constantly but I found that pushing the thoughts about OCD to the back of my mind gives me longer times of not obsessing over something (I have been having issues with the OCD being an OCD obsession lately so not researching it and trying to think of other things has been helping me a tiny bit)

It may or may not work with the other medical conditions, since they’re all physical but it does help with the OCD. I have conditioned my body to function with the fatigue that comes with Hashimotos and I found the gluten free diet clears all my digestive issues up and makes the Osteo pain a tiny bit easier. My Osteo acts up but not always horrible, I found that really cold and warm weather both have no effect, it’s mostly moderately cold and wet weather. I am determined to find a way to slow it down. I know it’s progressive, but I’m still able bodied so I should be able to slow the progression down.

3. Find more easy for lunch and good dinner recipes to stick with the gluten free diet. I have been studying it for years, learning about it, following pages and blogs and saving recipes for a long time but for some reason, rice pasta became my go to for work lunches. I could toss it on the stove and forget about it for a bit but certain brands turn to mush no matter low low I set the heat or how long I cooked it.

4. Quit eating out at work. It ends up costing way more than I’d like to spend. I could take the money I waste on lunch and save for something different- something for the family or even treat myself to something. You also consume manmore calories with store bought or restaurant cooked meals than you do with making things from scratch.

5. Cooking and baking more often. When my 6 year old was younger, I stayed home. I was on Pintrest for new craft and recipe ideas constantly. I’m planning on returning to that since I have been working with 2 kids for 2 years now and am finally getting to the point of having a set routine that works. I’m able to spend quality time with my kids, work, eat, sleep, shower and do my hair and makeup and we don’t have a dirty house (it is a bit messy at times, but we do keep it clean). From the time my younger daughter and I wake up until I go to work, I have a schedule I just fell into- it’s not set in stone but it works and I get errands, doctor appointments and readings done in a decent time and since the holidays are over, everything is slowing down so I can focus more on the home making skills I developed from staying home for four years.

Those are five and along with those 5, staying gluten free without cheating or going back to a normal diet and quitting smoking are both listed.

I read that if a smoker quits by 30, they go almost to nonsmoker risk of dying from smoking related diseases but where I have OCD it turns into an extreme- “I have to quit by the minute I turn 30 or I’ll be doomed to die” and it will start to feel like I HAVE to do it, put tons of unnecessary pressure on me that I do not need and I know isn’t necessary and I’ll freeze and fail. Every time I quit, the OCD puts undue pressure by making me think in extremes. I know the problem, I know the cause and I have been working on trying to “rewire” my brain. I can think logically now, even when the OCD is kicking in, so now I’m working on easing the anxiety by facing whatever causes the anxiety in the first place. It’s always going to be there, it will always act up but the more I work on controlling it, the easier it is to differentiate between reality and the OCD.

I do have to wonder if other people with OCD have serious problems quitting smoking due to the OCD. How it affects me, it almost seems like it would be normal.

 

There is my list- put up publicly because, accountability. Do you do resolutions? If you have that tradition, do you fail or succeed typically?” Is it for fun or serious attempts at improving your life?

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Christmas shopping for 2

We recently finished our Christmas shopping for 2 kids.

We shopped for 2 girls- age 2 and 6. It is bittersweet. On the one hand, Christmas is a magical time- the kids love seeing the lights, decorations and love the cookies and gifts but it’s really hard knowing you should be shopping for a 2, 4 and 6 year old instead of just the 2 and 6.

I look at the toys and wonder what miss Cassie would have wanted, what she would have been into and what she would have had as her security toy. Would she be a huge doll fan? Would she have wanted to play with Barbies or cars? Would she have been interested in sports? Art? Music? All of the above?

What would her personality have been? Would she have been more laid back like the 6 year old or more hyper like the 2 year old?

Where I work in retail, I meet people with kids my kids’ ages all the time. I’m normally fine, but I met a woman with 2 daughters- 4 and 2 and nearly lost it. I went into work a few days ago crying- had been all afternoon that day and finally calmed myself down enough to do my job.

It hurts, it really reminds you what you’re missing out on. The two living kids we have wear us out but we know we would have been able to handle having 2, 4 and 6. Even if we never rested, we know we’d be doing it.

It’s getting easier to handle these holidays and all that without her but milestones still hit me hard. She would have started school this year (preschool) so we would have had 2 out of 3 in school.

One thing i hate hearing is people using loss as an excuse for people acting like assholes during this season. If someone is an ass during the Christmas season, the only excuse is that they’re assholes the rest of the year as well. Losing someone (grandparent, parent, child- it doesn’t matter) is not an excuse to treat people like crap. The holiday season is stressful for most people- being nice, sweet, charitable and kind is the best way to act during this season (and year round). I’ll never understand why people make excuses for bad behavior but then again, it’s not in my nature. I tried to ship something out for my Etsy and the post office worker was an asshole to me. Instead of causing a scene or acting out, I finished paying and just turned around and walked out. It’s likely going to be my absolute last time using that post office, but it’s not my first bad experience with him and there are literally 4 other post offices to choose from in close vicinity.

I think we’re finally done with our shopping. This weekend, we need to go over everything and make sure we have all bases covered. That’s what I like about working in retail, easy shopping all the way up to the day.

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I’m turning 30 in just under a month

I try to always set New Years Resolutions. I do it mostly for fun but this January is a milestone for me. I’ll be turning 30.

I know 30 doesn’t seem old to many people, but I thought I’d be further along than I am. I feel like I’m right back at 19. I’m working back in retail (not by choice- I went in to skin care but the highest paying job I found was retail)

All my early adulthood, I wanted to be married, 2 kids, own a home and have my dream career. I’ve been married 7 years, have the two kids (technically 3) but we rent and I work a job- not a career.

At 19, I dropped out of college, got into an abusive relationship and was stuck until I finally got away from him at 21 and ended up homeless. I bounced around from couch to couch and ended up on harder drugs. I finally woke up and cleaned up, moved back with my mom and dad and got a stable job.

At 22, I met my husband. We fell in love fast and were married in 3 months. Our oldest daughter came along a month after we eloped. (we celebrated our 7th anniversary last August, so I definitely do not regret marrying that fast nor that young- he was 10 days past 20 when we eloped and he also has no regrets). At 23, I lost the job I had and went to school- the plan was to take the six month course, graduate then the baby was due shortly after graduation, then I was going to take 6 weeks to recover and start searching for a job. Instead, she came half way through the course and I had to take maternity leave. I went back and graduated almost on time (stacked up hours before and after she was born- it was a 600 hour course) while she was still in the NICU. She had to transfer to a different NICU in a different state right after I graduated so I went on to live in the NICU room (and Ronald McDonald House) with her while my husband and parents visited occasionally but all three worked. During that time, I started loom knitting and making earrings to deal with boredom from being alone while she slept and with the hats, Bethcessories was born but not well thought out. It was just put on Etsy and forgotten. After she came home, we took her out grocery shopping one time, she got sick and ended up in the PICU and on the vent. It was that moment (along with some bad experiences with a few home care nurses) that made me realize I’d be unable to work and put her in daycare and at that time, we were unable to find jobs that would allow us to work around each other’s schedules.

During that time, I found I was unable to get into the local colleges but was able to get the financial aid restriction lifted at the college I left but I’ve had the major issue of- do I want to go into debt for a job that doesn’t pay well but I am passionate about or do I want something I don’t really like much but makes more money?

The logic vs emotion disagreement has had me torn apart and is why I’ve successfully been re accepted 4 times, had almost everything planned out perfectly but then one tiny thing always falls through.

The very last New Year’s Resolution I kept was back on January 2, 2010- I promised myself I’d stay away from all drugs and as of right now, I’m going on 8 years clean. It’s something I’d be proud of- if it was a challenge, but it was my way of dealing with the trauma of what happened to me in those two years and lasted such a short time, it was very much against everything I have ever stood for and due to my nature, I know I’ll never be tempted to go back. It feels like it threw off my life path and since then, I’ve lived in regret and even shame that it happened. I know it’s me holding myself back from my goals but it feels like that one year threw me off so bad.

 

Most of what I have wanted to do ended up being dead end or low paying.

My cousin got a Bachelors in what I was originally wanting to get into (interior design), spent a year out of college (my senior year of high school) and couldn’t find a single job- back when the economy was better so I changed my mind.

I started off in communications (journalism) then switched to marketing before I dropped out.

My first job was writing for the local newspaper in a teen section they had weekly. I loved going to the meetings, doing the interviews and writing the articles. I had a friend who did it professionally (a huge dream) but it was lower paying. I went to beauty school to get into make up artistry (it’s always been a dream to either write for a fashion magazine or work behind the scenes at a runway show, now I’m too old to get into that. I’d be in my mid 30s by the time I graduated and I’m sure most places want an early 20 something fresh out of school to intern and I only studied skin, most make up artists need to be able to do hair as well, I believe)

I’ve read so many blogs and articles on so many different websites that seem to reinforce the fact that women are pretty much useless both career or otherwise after they hit the mid 20s, that what you make in your 20s is the highest you’ll make and if you’re not lined up to move up in your career by the time you’re 30, you’re screwed so it does kind of give me the mind set of “why bother?” I wouldn’t say I wasted my 20s. I loved staying at home with my oldest, I wanted kids young and the biological clock is a real thing but now I’m out of that stage (I very happily signed to be sterilized after my third c section) and as my youngest gets older, I’m thinking more seriously about career (the plan- first kids and focus on education then focus on building career while kids are older and in school. I didn’t want to have to freeze a career for 6 weeks to go on maternity leave- it happened when I was in a salon and it killed the career I was starting to build but I also wasn’t a proper fit in that particular salon)

People always tell me to not plan so rigidly- that life always throws curves into plans, but trying to have a plan is one of the best ways my ADHD mind is able to focus.

I had another plan to have my main work ready to send to try to get traditionally published by the time I was 30. Thanks to my OCD perfectionist personality, I literally spent 4 years editing the same 3 pages and am no closer to finishing it than I was when I finished the rough draft (the story is fully written from front to back- but I want this one traditionally published so I want it perfect). Once again, I had friends who have been published telling me I needed to stop being so hard on my work, stop overthinking and to not have such high standards for myself. My new goal is to have it ready by 35. I actually have several others started (thanks to Nanowrimo- a fun challenge I do every November)

I’m not sure why I’m writing this, I have severe anxiety over turning 30 and I guess I need to just get it out.

 

 

 

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Random thought 

When my oldest was little, she was easy to take care of. She was cautious, well behaved in public to the point where we got complemented on her behaviour. I stayed home for 4 years with her and hardly had to clean up messes from her. She also listened to “no” and quit the first time we asked. 

We decided to add a second thinking it would be the same story. The hurricane is now 2 and the complete opposite (not horrible behaved in public but she does enjoy screaming, yelling and talking to everyone. ) 

I’m worn out by noon typically with her. I love them, wouldn’t trade either and wouldn’t change either personality but I never knew 2 sisters could be so different and look so much alike. 

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I started a new facebook page

I started a new facebook page mainly trying to spread some awareness as I learn about EDS and the other issues I’m learning I have. 

https://m.facebook.com/New-Age-Dream-Girl-704151713114993/

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Sometimes dreaming is too personal and too close to home in it’s message for even the most talented interpreter to interpret. 

That is normally where those of us who offer our services come in. I have yet to be told a dream I couldn’t interpret, until now. I had a strange dream last night and even though I can interpret the symbols, the dream seems to be giving me a deeper meaning and I’m unsure if I should attempt to interpret or if my subconscious would bend it to what I would want to hear. I would normally ask, but in my circle, I am the dream chick. 
I wrote that a few days ago when I had the dream. Since then I have managed to figure the meaning out. The point still remains, though. 

It’s about the same as it is for reading tarot or other divination methods. I’ll read for myself for practice but I still will go for a second opinion. Tarot, dreams, all the other methods of divination can all be great tools but they can easily be lost when you’re trying to do it for yourself. 

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Why is Facebook so much like a drug?

If you research “give up facebook,” “I want to quit facebook,” “I gave up facebook,” or any variation, you will find tons of articles, blogs or forum posts about people giving up facebook. Some people went as far as deleting and others just deactivated for a little bit then went back. There are tons of posts about facebook fasts but why do so many people want to give it up, only to slide back like a drug addict? 

I can only speak for myself- I have been guilty of making a public announcement, getting close friend and family’s phone numbers or adding/following them on other social networks, deleting but creating a new profile- promising the next time will be different. It never is. I say I’ll start with just close friends and family-and my number will stay below 50. I’ll do well for a few weeks or months- then I’ll start getting requests from coworkers, former classmates and old friends I hadn’t thought about until I saw the name and I’ll add. I’m not sure why I feel guilty if I don’t accept a friend request from someone I know- I feel like I’m insulting them and I don’t know how many people take the network seriously so I am also afraid of deleting them. I do not want real life drama from deleting someone on my list, because real life shouldn’t be controlled by a website. 

My last time deleting, I was very pregnant.  I got sick of the site and deleted it. 

Then I had the baby. While I was in the hospital, I was running through the list of everyone who wanted to know about when I had her, it was such a random list of family members I do not see often and former close friends I also don’t get to see often, I ended up recreating so I could neatly update. I went through the list and only added the people from the list. That small, intimate list lasted a few months- then requests started coming in. I know I could have easily denied but it has gotten to the point where I feel guilty for rejecting, even an old acquaintance I never liked- unfortunately there are no people like that. I actually like the 122 people currently on my list. I have been going through trying to get less than 100, but my list of exceptions is a lot longer than my list of deletion criteria but I don’t understand why deleting is so hard. 

From what I have read in other blogs and forums, a lot of people use deletion as a last resort, only when people personally disrespect them. I also see posts about people cleaning up their list and deleting people who never talk to them and I understand that. During my last major deletion (went from over 150 to just over 130), I posted (people say that’s an annoying post) and asked anyone who didn’t care about what I post (updates mostly on how my kids are doing along with random rants dealing with either things I’ve saw or read and pictures of my latest pillows, my kids or my cat) and I got 0 people to delete me off their lists. I got more people who liked the status to keep me on their lists and on top of that, I’ve had a few people who never spoke to me mention they love the updates (my oldest was 3 months premature with an almost 9 month NICU stay- she’s 6 now and catching up in a lot of ways)

It has taken me nearly a week of writing this. I have deleted my business pages and my sale group, deleted local yard sale pages and am turning it into a more personal account. I’m currently deactivated for the next week while I do a paid one week diet trial. 

I’m also trying to challenge myself to write- even a little bit, daily. On my breaks at work, I’ve been writing what I can and during my off time during nap time while my oldest is in school, I grab a notebook and try to get some extra writing done. I have a finished rough draft for a fantasy novel I’m rewriting and editing and I am also working on some writings I’m hoping to submit to some sites. I’m hoping taking a break from facebook will boost my off time productivity. 

For me, facebook is a major time-suck and on top of that, it reminds me of the social life I no longer have. Not through my own fault nor any one else, my friends live all over the place and we all have either kids, full time jobs, are in school, married or some combination of the above and as late 20 to 30- something adults, it’s hard to get together to just catch up. Facebook is a great thing in some areas, I have got back in contact with my whole former group of friends from middle school and talk to my friends from high school and college occasionally and it helped me and my long time best friend who was like a sister, as well as family who live out of state so I am not deleting it, but I am deactivating for weeks/month at a time. So far, I’ve been deactivated this time for a few days and before that 2 weeks. The more I do it, the less I want to see when I’m on and the easier it gets so this may be the break that helps.

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Thoughts from staying home with sick kids

So, for the past few weeks, we have been dealing with sick kids. They started with innocent colds. I came home from work about a month ago and started to develop a cold. It turned to bronchitis, which has been my norm since I was my oldest child’s age- six years. I’m now getting over the cold and never needed medication. Two weeks ago, they started getting colds. The colds turned briefly into fevers but my youngest had an appointment today and I wanted to hold off. My youngest’s fever peaked at my parents’ house last weekend but they quickly fixed it. I considered taking her in earlier but every time I thought about it, her fever was gone and she was playful. On Sunday, my husband had been feeling sick so I finally talked him into going into the ER. He found out he had pneumonia so I left work early and we took both girls to the ER. The results were that my youngest had pneumonia and my oldest has a sinus infection. 

I took yesterday off work to help my sick husband take care of the sick girls and was off today.  Today we had my youngest’s well child, both ER follow ups and my oldest had a dentist appointment along with that, my oldest had speech and occupational therapy and Tuesday is grocery shopping day. I swear, between bleaching down the kitchen (bathroom is next), throwing out any expired food, rearranging the food in the cabinets and cleaning all the table/counter tops, dusting, sweeping, vacuuming, dishes, making sure both girls ate as much as I could get them to eat and drink, I feel like I’ve had no time to myself. Even after they went to bed, I had an online tarot reading to send and the finishing touches on cleaning the kitchen. Now I’m still in that boat- I’ve been gone all day and my husband is doing the bedtime ritual so I’m finally getting a moment- before vacuuming and dishes once again. I can’t wait until all antibiotics are given and my girls are back to their playful and happy selves. 

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I’m trying this whole blogging thing out… again

I’ve always had issues sticking with a blog. I’ll start one, then it will just sit around for years until I finally remember it exists or try to create a new one and can’t use my main e-mail address.

Lately, I have been challenging myself to write a tiny bit every day. I have 2 finished rough drafts- 1 novel and 1 short story. The novel, I’m working my full OCD on because I am hoping to get it published traditionally. I also have a project I put together about 9 years ago testing self publishing.

 

In this blog, I’ll be posting random things I’ve been writing. I’ve written topics from getting married young to child loss to having young kids, special needs kids and random short stories that pop into my head so there is no one subject I’ll be posting about.